no. maybe. no. well, ok maybe. yes. yeah, i think so. Yes! no.

If you notice things like this, we have had a paragraph at the right of this blog that has asked for prayer about our next housing situation. Wanna know where we are with that? Me too. As it turns out, we are 3 weeks away from when we will need to move and we still have no firm answer. But here is where we find ourselves at the moment and the story that goes with it.

While we were thinking of our options, an obvious solution came to the forefront. The mission’s Guest House, which houses the Kubacki family now, will be empty in February. It is big, comfortable, a hub of activity (can you see why I am interested?) and within the mission compound which kind of gives me a sense of safety. Plus, if we moved in there it would fill a need for the mission, as we understood it. So we thought about it. Talked about it. Discussed it with other people. And I started dreaming and planning for it. As I got more enthusiastic about it we began to put other options aside and starting thinking through the details that would be required of us to live there. Things like what, exactly, are the responsibilities of the guesthouse hosts, what role do we play with foreign teams that come through, and how this will work with our family. So again we talked with more people and got positive responses to the point that we thought it was all a go. We were wrong. Are my tender feelings revealing themselves here yet?

A conversation took place 3 days ago that revealed that the guesthouse is not a right fit for our family. I am heart broken. At first, I was upset that God was steering us in one direction only to frustrate us and send us in another direction. I see now how this whole process shaped us and prepared us for the future here in Brazil, whatever that may be. We gained awareness of our own family’s needs and goals and decided to evaluate our decisions against that. I still know I would have loved the guesthouse and enjoyed taking care of guests, but it is not as simple as that. I am trying to put it behind me because even if money issues worked itself out and other details fell in to place, we now are aware of how living there might induce stress and tensions that we simply do not need in our first term here. So that’s that. But, stink! I am just not sure how to pack up all my enthusiasms and just be ok with moving elsewhere. Yikes, my heart is bruised.

These sentiments are rather reminiscent of when I foster-cared for two little boys about 3 years ago. I knew I would not keep them. But I did dream about what it would be like to love them, take care of their illnesses, raise them up with a secure family and have them prank me with Parent Trap moments (they were twins). But it was all just thoughts and dreams and a short time later I turned them over to another foster family. I had packed away all the schemes I dreamed and nuturings I imagined, only to dust them off feel them all over again, just differently. I guess these sort of disappointments are normal consequences of just plain living and feeling.

Ok, so this is a long post just to say, “we’re not moving into the guest house.” But I wanted to share at a heart level where we have come from and where we are going. As I have trudged through this whole thing I am amazed at how God has been preparing me for this situation. My time and conversations with God in the last 6 months have been about living dependent on the Spirit regardless of what is happening around me. This small, somewhat insignificant (compared over a lifetime) event had the potential for bitterness. My heart could be soaking in sour brine right now. But it is not. I am praying constantly and literally, out loud, telling myself not to let my heart get crusty. And it might be working, with credit not going to me. C’mon people, cheer with me! I do not know for sure where I am going in 3 weeks and I am ok with that! I told you I’ve changed.

So for those of you who have stuck with this long post, here is what is happening. Barring working out details (again with the details?!) we will stay in the home of the Hanson family who is home on furlough. They are a lovely family with a lovely home so I can only heave a thankful sigh in how God takes care of us. We have yet to communicate with them because we have been without Internet for a while (so this blog was actually written earlier and posted later).

More happenings involve the arrival of Emily Fancher! Many of you know the name because you’ve prayed for her and for that I am thankful and also desperate for your prayers to continue because she has yet to get her visa. But then again, maybe she has and I don’t know it. Drat that internet. Emily is 23! Appreciates the arts! Has a calm, gentle spirit! And a tugging in her heart for missions! Her coming brings out the explanation points in me! She is hopefully arriving in Altamira on January 20 and will live with our family. She will help at the English School, help home school Gabriella and Ava (if she can catch her, ha!) and get a hearty helping of Xingu Mission. In the past, Josh has had an influence on young people and their involvement and knowledge of foreign missions. This time it is my turn!

Other happenings involve the return of the Simon family. They will be leaving the states the beginning of Feb. We look forward to having them back and will probably talk their ears off filling them in on the 5 months they were gone. Mia and Anna will go back to playing dress-up together and Ava and Caleb will go back to arguing.

Genuine thanks to those of you who are praying for us. I cannot imagine how messy it would be here without those prayers.

~BZP