airy words

Josh and Tom should be arriving home tomorrow after spending 5 days out on the river. They went with a big group, short on women. I am anxious to hear how the trip went and also anxious to just chat with Josh. Before he left we had one of those rare moments in our marriage where I was discouraged and piled high with rubble and when I needed Josh to rescue me, he couldn't because he was under his own pile of rubble. The rare part is not that I was discouraged, it was that Josh was too. So in my usual way of coping I spent an entire day in bed avoiding anything that might annoy or discourage or frustrate me. I missed a breakfast with a visitor from Canada, lunch with a local pastor and then later that evening our 4th of July party. I was not in the mood for fireworks. Nor God for that matter. I told Him he surely had forgotten me. And also mused to myself that maybe God really did not care, and maybe He is not even listening. I taunted Him to speak. The conversation was not all that different from the one Ava has with my bedroom wall when I send her to my room for some discipline. In hopes of staving off punishment, Ava turns her back to me and tells the wall, "I am sorry. I didn't know. My mom is being mean to punish me because I am sorry now." Ava knows she's not talking to the wall, the words are for my benefit. So even if I had ugly thoughts, I knew all along, yes God is listening and yes, He cares. And I am forced to allow Him to heal my broken heart because Josh certainly cannot. This is the way it should be, wouldn't you say? But, wow is it painful.