As of lately I have found myself thinking about my self. The Brazil Brin is different but I am not always sure in what ways, or even if they are good ways. I do realize that during this time of self-reflection it is an obvious opportunity to figure out what sort of person God created me to be.
I have not been very pleased with myself since we got off the plane in Altamira. I have allowed my attitude to be based on circumstances and shushed the urges of the Lord to grow in challenging situations. A year ago it took a lot of courage for me to listen to God and follow the path He laid out for me. But I did it. Now I am on that path, and I find my behavior like that of Peter witnessing Christ walking on water. I feel close to drowning as I take my eyes off Christ and instead focusing on the waves crashing around me. Waves of sick children. Waves of culture shock. Waves of inadequacy. Waves of a chaotic schedule. I cried over silly circumstances, like when Ava sat on the fan we had just bought and broke it. A fan. Granted it is really, really hot here but c’mon, that girl was known for breaking things and I never cried before.
The waves are beginning to calm down now but I still have the memories of how I floundered attempting to make sense of my new world. I question much, who I am and who others are. Above all, I am deeply loved by God and He has set the course for me. Everyone I interact with is a masterpiece of God. I write that but question whether I really know it, or live it. Evidence of the words that fly out of my mouth would say otherwise. If I have a hard time getting along with someone, I comfort my ego by saying, “I was voted Miss Congeniality in college, people usually like me.” That is only a placebo to heal a wound that occurs when I view others through fleshly eyes. Josh reminded me of a time when I was annoyed by a friend who had quit, what I thought, was a solid career to work at a lowly comic book store, because of a conviction he had. I put such emphasis on status and position that I could not comprehend why someone of such quality would choose to be apart of something of lesser quality. I am ashamed to say I have seen people by what they do, not who they really are; a creation of God. I let ugly and erroneous thoughts cloud my estimation of people and also myself. And that is just the one example Josh could think of, there are so many more I am certain.
So what do I do now since all this has flooded my conscious? I want to know more, I want to have more experiences, but I want all of these under the umbrella of my relationship to God.
Jed left today which is too bad because he missed the mass treatment of pinworm in our household (Jed on his last day pictured). All 10 of us got de-wormed. The girls ate their medicine crushed in a tablespoon of coconut ice cream, none the wiser. I kinda didn’t want him to leave because it solidified the certainty that I am here for good.
I have not been very pleased with myself since we got off the plane in Altamira. I have allowed my attitude to be based on circumstances and shushed the urges of the Lord to grow in challenging situations. A year ago it took a lot of courage for me to listen to God and follow the path He laid out for me. But I did it. Now I am on that path, and I find my behavior like that of Peter witnessing Christ walking on water. I feel close to drowning as I take my eyes off Christ and instead focusing on the waves crashing around me. Waves of sick children. Waves of culture shock. Waves of inadequacy. Waves of a chaotic schedule. I cried over silly circumstances, like when Ava sat on the fan we had just bought and broke it. A fan. Granted it is really, really hot here but c’mon, that girl was known for breaking things and I never cried before.
The waves are beginning to calm down now but I still have the memories of how I floundered attempting to make sense of my new world. I question much, who I am and who others are. Above all, I am deeply loved by God and He has set the course for me. Everyone I interact with is a masterpiece of God. I write that but question whether I really know it, or live it. Evidence of the words that fly out of my mouth would say otherwise. If I have a hard time getting along with someone, I comfort my ego by saying, “I was voted Miss Congeniality in college, people usually like me.” That is only a placebo to heal a wound that occurs when I view others through fleshly eyes. Josh reminded me of a time when I was annoyed by a friend who had quit, what I thought, was a solid career to work at a lowly comic book store, because of a conviction he had. I put such emphasis on status and position that I could not comprehend why someone of such quality would choose to be apart of something of lesser quality. I am ashamed to say I have seen people by what they do, not who they really are; a creation of God. I let ugly and erroneous thoughts cloud my estimation of people and also myself. And that is just the one example Josh could think of, there are so many more I am certain.
So what do I do now since all this has flooded my conscious? I want to know more, I want to have more experiences, but I want all of these under the umbrella of my relationship to God.
Jed left today which is too bad because he missed the mass treatment of pinworm in our household (Jed on his last day pictured). All 10 of us got de-wormed. The girls ate their medicine crushed in a tablespoon of coconut ice cream, none the wiser. I kinda didn’t want him to leave because it solidified the certainty that I am here for good.
1 comment:
Thanks so much for your honesty! I know that God will continue to work on you guys and shape you into the people He called you to be... just as He is shaping us back home.
And is that Betu in the picture? And Denise??
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