exercising faith

[Mia drinking from a coconut]

I am starting to get nervous or antsy or just confused, I guess. Trying to “keep the faith” but also realizing that the only way I will flourish here is by using faith. Faith that God will provide a working vehicle so I won’t be stuck at home or at the mercy of others for rides. Faith that, despite the erratic hours I put into home schooling, Ella will learn. Faith that I will walk humbly and generously, even as I have been pushed into an upperclass society just by being American and having the money to pay for a plane ticket to get here. But what I think it comes down to is that I am having feelings of nervousness as I slowly inch my way to the frontlines of people lives, wondering what role God will use me in as I cling to faith in Him. I am figuring out that I won’t have to look far to find ways to keep my faith in God lively, relevant and desperate. I worked with a young woman the whole day yesterday, only to find out later by someone else that her father is abusive and just the night before stole all her family’s money. She never mentioned any struggles nor seemed at all sad, and even if she would have tried to communicate a problem to me I doubt I would have comprehended it. But I am just plain sad for her now. I missed her pain. What good am I? Don’t bother sending care packages because I really don’t deserve them. When I looked into her eyes a day later, I had to look away or I would cry. Don’t try to tell me that I need to have faith that God can work through me. I know that. I just am experiencing some anticipatory aches that I will surely encounter as I get close to the ugly side of people’s lives. Am I ready for the ugliness?

Speaking of ugly, Mia has two different skin problems at the moment, neither very bothersome, just gross. One is a harmless chemical “burn” on her hands and arms. I have it too and I am told it is likely from lemons (I didn’t believe that at first). She also has budding case of impetigo, along with both her siblings. Josh is coming home in hopefully 3 days or so and I really want to have my children tidied up and myself looking at least as attractive as I can living in a jungle. Really I am certain Josh will be glad to be home and tell me about his river adventures, he had an obvious joy in being able to join the other guys in looking for people who have not met Jesus. This is what being here comes down to and Josh was as happy as I have ever seen him.